dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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