Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
