I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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