Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
