i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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