Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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