New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just found puke in my bra..
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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