You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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