life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Randomize