I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize