He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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