Sorry, I don't speak sober.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
