woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
