i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
