Have you finally orgasmed yet?
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
