Your tits are I can't wait for
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
