We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
