What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
