I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
