After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She's the barista slut.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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