I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
be right there i have to get my cape
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
