we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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