my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
