I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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