Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
