so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
