Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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