hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
