Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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