I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
