I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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