Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
