Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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