So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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