Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She's the barista slut.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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