Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
