We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
