If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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