don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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