if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
