The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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