Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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