Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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