I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
