If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
