everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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