I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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