This is not my ceiling
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
