you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
