So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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