there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
