my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
