I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
