he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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