How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
babies were throwing up all over the place
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
