I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize