I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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