I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
