Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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