time to smoke my breakfast
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize