She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize