Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
