i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
