Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
