1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
