GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize